The really great thing about being single on a cold night is that you can revel in your winter Bedhead pajamas, curl up with all the pillows, and completely take over the bed.
Could I? Honestly, I don’t know. I love it and it is part of my home territory. My dad loved the West and drove us all around it for more than 20 years. I’ve seen it change and I’ve seen it stay the same, exactly, as it was. I love the subtle change of seasons in the dry brush. It pays to pay attention. I like arid, sunny, mountainous climates. I was born in the center of downtown Los Angeles.
Race is different out here. First of all, depending on where you live, you hardly see it. Inland and northern western states are very white. White-Brown relationships are particularly complicated. There is not simply a binary division between “whites’ and ‘hispanics,” since lots of hispanic people are “white” in the eyes of Anglos But it’s not that simple. Southern California, New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado have something in common with South Africa, in that these states share a culture in which successive waves of very different white people came in, took over, and fucked a lot of stuff up.
I have seen one person of color since I’ve been here now for over a month and half, with a week break in the middle of the period. It’s not normal. Almost makes me ashamed to admit that a part of me thrives–no, comes back to life–out here in these sunny, arid mountains. But lots of people come back to life in this climate. That’s why it seems so weird out here—where are all the other people? The community feels unbalanced, too homogeneous out here. Not quite “America.”
Plus there is no movie theater. Nor is there a decent bar. Nothing even close to the symphony, not to mention opera or ballet or theater. I can live without shopping malls–I order everything online anyway. There is a good used bookstore. It had a great s/f collection, and that is how I judge a bookstore. But not much in the way of inspiring artists. At home I can not only know ABOUT an aspiring artist, I can also be get to know that person, and learn from her or him.
It’s a nice fantasy: myself out on the range, let’s say on an immense ranch of my own, with stunning views and clear streams, rustic exteriors and cozy interiors, great wine, fresh, organic, local produce, maybe even a few goats and chickens, and a steady supply of marijuana, of course, and books, and internet access. Maybe I’d paint more. Maybe I’d take up that rustic weaving project. I’d revert to my hippie self. Obviously I would grow herbs. Maybe I would sell them. I would practice Iyengar with Nancy and get very good. I would converse with people through the internet, go to conferences, or not.
It’s such a common fantasy, it’s almost embarrassing to be having it. What makes mine different is that I’d get to be near my brother, who is only a few years younger than I am. I miss him. And I’d be closer to my sister, and nearly all of my cousins and aunts and uncles. My family. But my son lives on the east coast, and so does my boyfriend. So I find myself in the same question: where does the heart yearn? It years in opposite directions. Irritatingly.
In case you didn’t know, Ludvig Holberg was a Norwegian humanist, an Enlightenment thinker who is also called the founder of Norwegian and Danish literature. Apparently he was pretty good at investing money. I’ve never read anything he wrote.
these undetected rapists are measurably more angry at women, more motivated by the need to dominate and control women, more impulsive and disinhibited in their behavior, more hyper-masculine in their beliefs and attitudes, less empathic and more antisocial.
Guys who seem to hate women … do. If they sound like they don’t like or respect women and see women as impediments to be overcome … they’re telling the truth. That’s what they think, and they will abuse if they think they can get away with it.
Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they did not want to, because they were too intoxicated [on alcohol or drugs] to resist your sexual advances?
Have you ever had sexual intercourse with an adult when they didn’t want to because you used physical force [twisting their arm, holding them down, etc.] if they didn’t cooperate?
You might think that these schmucks would have been reluctant to admit to these acts. Lisak reports that the men he interviewed were “eager” to talk about them. “They’re quite narcissistic as a group — the offenders — and they view this as an opportunity, essentially, to brag.”
Lisak also found that the men who admit to coercing or forcing a woman to have sexual intercourse do not generally consider what they did rape. These men also typically rely on the fear or shame of young women to prevent them from reporting the rapes. They want the women they have coerced into unwanted sex to believe that they are somehow to blame for what they have done to them. They also know that the culture on college campuses discourages victims from coming forward and shields perpetrators from detection and conviction in the criminal justice system. He reports:
In the course of 20 years of interviewing these undetected rapists, in both research and forensic settings, it has been possible for me to distill some of the common characteristics of the modus operandi of these sex offenders. These undetected rapists:
- are extremely adept at identifying “likely” victims, and testing prospective victims’ boundaries;
- plan and premeditate their attacks, using sophisticated strategies to groom their victims for attack, and to isolate them physically;
- use “instrumental” not gratuitous violence; they exhibit strong impulse control and use only as much violence as is needed to terrify and coerce their victims into submission;
- use psychological weapons – power, control, manipulation, and threats –backed up by physical force, and almost never resort to weapons such as knives or guns;
- use alcohol deliberately to render victims more vulnerable to attack, or completely unconscious.
College rapists are criminal sex offenders who are largely undetected, unpunished, and unrepentant.
Keep this in mind the next time you find yourself hanging around with someone who openly or covertly expresses his disrespect and hatred for women. Listen and believe what he is saying.